Identity, transition, and ego

I never realized how much of my identity comes from being able to predict simple, reccurring daily events, however mundane. Just knowing what to expect from a day, insofar as one can, is empowering. I think I know what's coming, and for the most part, I know I can handle it. I'm in a routine, doing so many things without thinking about them. Things like getting in my car, turning it on, and driving home.

But the more my responsibilities in Boston change, as I prepare to leave in a month, I'm finding I don't know exactly where I fit in society, in the various groups I've been a part of for several years. I've become less sure of myself - in a good way. As I walk down the street now, I'm not so fiercely purposeful. I actually look up sometimes, and am more aware of what's going on around me. When I encounter people, my mind has stopped automatically categorizing them. I see more of their humanity. I've observed how often I predict how I think others will act, what I expect them to say next in a conversation. And I judge people. A lot. I evaluate them against my idea of how life should be lived. As they say in Missouri, whooooo, boy. This is not good.

But right now, my most common expectation is that I don't know what to expect. From life, from other people, from myself. The funny thing is that I didn't know I HAD been doing otherwise. I didn't realize how drunk with power I've been, when I had (a) clear job description(s), places to go, things to doooo. When I was used to the idea of staying in Boston, of building a life here. I was a part of things. And now, well, I guess in a way I'm starting to feel like I'm on the outside, looking in.

I walked around Beacon Hill the other day, and saw young nannies pushing children around in strollers. Just a few years ago, I used to do this every day! And now, it seems like a completely different world, another era, like something out of a story I read or a film I watched. It's familiar to me, but I don't identify with it. I almost found myself saying, "Why, how, do I know what that's like?"

I guess I feel disoriented. I'm not dizzy, ready to collapse, I'm just out of sorts a bit. Unsure. And in a way, I feel more present and less present at the same time. How about that. I'm not depressed, or unhappy, just... different.

The most predominant observation I've made is that, boy, was I busy. I've simply got to stop that. It's hardly surprising, though, I've known this for quite some time.

Life is so much more than an endless series of meetings, tasks, and to-do lists. And in thinking that I was living so efficiently, fitting everything in, I've missed a whole bunch. Like, sitting down for a while and just thinking. Or, going to a lecture on economics, like I did today, that helped me see the world in a different way, and then chatting with friends about it.

Goodness. Isn't life wonderful? So much to do, and see, and be, and become, and appreciate, and enjoy. And the most wonderful part about it all, is that the world doesn't revolve around me and my schedule and my judgments. Whew. :)